The following is true, having taken place this afternoon. I'm writing this to vent and also to ask for patience from those who don't have children. Hopefully this clarifies why parents never seem to have any time or sometimes appear to be at the edge of reason.
A Person Without a Toddler:
4:00 - Pull into library parking lot. Pick any spot. Hop out.
4:01 - Walk through front doors of library.
4:02 - Find reserved book on hold shelf.
4:04 - Checked out book in hand, walk through doors of library.
4:05 - Pull out of the library parking lot, on merry way to next activity.
A Person With a Toddler:
4:00 - Pull into library parking lot, amid shouts of "Skoo bus! Mama! See that?"
4:02 - After many false starts, find a spot. It can't just be any spot because Someone will want to walk and Someone's short legs can't carry her very far.
4:03 - Out of car. Someone decides she must walk on the wall that leads up to library. Walk slowly, holding Someone's hand while she wobbles along the wall.
4:07 - Walk up to doors of library. Pause while Someone locates the button that opens the door for the handicapped and pushes on it. Someone watches in amazement as the door opens and slowly walks through, shouting, "I did it!" Repeat process for inner door.
4:08 - Arrive, finally, inside the library and walk to the hold shelf, watching all the while for Someone who decides walking in a straight line is out of fashion. Search for book on shelf while someone checks out the New Arrival shelf. And the DVD shelf. And the Book Club shelf.
4:09 - Reserved book in hand, head towards children's section. Someone sees comfy chairs in Teen section, lets everyone in the library know this and tries out chair.
4:10 - Distract Someone by seating her at the small table piled with books. Someone reads one upside-down, allowing browsing time.
4:12 - Someone is restless. Notice that one of the computers with the Dora game is free, so install Someone there. Someone clicks around aimlessly while you browse for two more books for her. Someone occasionally shouts, "Look! I did it!"
4:17 - Browsing is done and another small child is trying to snatch the mouse from Someone's hand. Go over and explain to Someone that it's someone else's turn now. Remove headphones from ears and mouse from hand as Someone screams. Receive sympathetic look from another mother. Remove mouse from someone's hand again. Explain that we must share and that Someone had a turn already.
4:18 - Feel embarrassed as Someone sobs loudly over the loss of Dora, garnering lots of looks from other patrons. Steer Someone into the shelves to look for a book.
4:20 - Book randomly chosen, stop by Friends of the Library section to see what's on sale. Someone is remarkably well-behaved, mostly because she is distracted by holding all three of her books. Someone drops them repeatedly, picking them up each time and shouting, "Look! I did it!"
4:24 - Make way to checkout. Someone insists on climbing up on stool and "helping."
4:25 - Books checked out, walk toward inner door. Look up to see that Someone is distracted by a book display. Tap handicapped button and point it out to Someone, who immediately perks up and struts through door. Someone then locates the next button and taps it.
4:26 - Button is not working, despite several taps from Someone and from a desperate Mom. Someone begins to cry. Begin hating life.
4:27 - Stand inside door while Someone cries. Think opening door and going out might entice Someone, so try that.
4:28 - Stand holding open door while Someone cries louder. Begin to rue the day Someone was born. Several patrons pass through, giving sympathetic looks to Someone.
4:29 - Someone is finally coaxed out. When door closes, Someone decides she is unhappy with this and sits on ground crying. Stand several feet away, both trying to convince Someone that it's time to go and maybe convincing others that Someone is Someone Else's child.
4:31 - Someone deigns to walk towards the car after the most ancient lady in the world offered her a hand up. Feel cheeks redden in embarrassment. Someone decides she must walk on wall back to car.
4:35 - After many stops and starts, reach the point at which Someone must get off wall and walk to car. Someone does not like the explanation of this and begins to cry. Scoop up someone and set her on feet to walk to car. Someone decides this is not okay and sits down.
4:37 - Stand irritatedly by as Someone wails at the wall and tries unsuccessfully to vault back to the top of said wall. Calmly repeat, "It's time to go home. Let's go to the car." Someone invokes selective hearing.
4:38 - Someone decides she must sit on steps and cry. Earn a sympathetic look from teenage boy. Ponder putting books in car and coming back for Someone. Ponder putting books in car and just leaving.
4:39 - Use Love and Logic training. Explain the choice Someone has, which involves either walking to car on her own perfectly good legs or being carried to car and earning timeout.
4:40 - As a distraction technique, Someone pulls off an ivy leaf and shouts, "Look! A flowler!" Not amused, repeat "choice."
4:41 - Someone makes her choice. Pick Someone up; she immediately begins shouting, "Owie! Owie!" Stumble to car, carrying 30-pound Someone and half a dozen library books, as well as purse and keys. Absorb several kicks to the crotch from Someone. Curse under breath.
4:42 - Arrive at car. Strap crying Someone in.
4:43 - Close Someone's car door. Curse loudly, receiving evil glare from library patron.
4:44 - Pull out of library parking lot, on merry way to an evening of cooking family dinner, cleaning up, and putting Someone, mercifully, to bed.
